Dommed from the bottom

or: how doms become service providers.

Here’s something I have often observed in play spaces: Doms* (mostly men), giving all their attention and effort to their subs (mostly women), pleasing them, serving them, exerting effort, working hard, doing all the right things. In principle there's nothing wrong with that**. *

*Dom: Briefly on gender and the term Dom: dom or dominant is a gender neutral term, but at least my mind attaches it to the male gender by defaul. So to be clear, when I say Dom here, I mean doms of any gender, in other words: a person that takes the role of the dominant.

**There are many ways of being a dom and I certainly don’t claim to know the one right way, in fact I don’t think that there is one way. I always encourage people I work with to let go of stereotypes and (gender)roles and to instead find out their expression of dominance (and submission).

There's a term for that even — service dom.

When that is the choice, I don't mind it. But it seems more like a default. As if the doms I observe don't really have access to anything else.

A dom who is only here to serve their sub is not dominating, they are pleasers.

In my BDSM practice, I strive to expand the range of options that I have access to. I want to be able to choose a wide variety of things, so being stuck in one corner feels problematic to me. Why is this so common? I think because serving is a lot safer than being served.

There seem to be two distinct levels of play. One where the dom pretends to be a dom but is actually there to please the sub. And then there is a deeper level where the actual dynamic is what is "on the box."

I might be wrong, maybe everyone is having the time of their lives, but I don't think so. Many doms are tired of performing but don’t really know what else to do or how to do it differently. And many subs are missing out as well, as experiencing that kind of surrender can be deeply meaningful.

Learning how to be served

The core of the issue as i see it, is that being served, revealing one's true (perverted) desires is vulnerable, is much more risky than simply serving your submissive. When you serve your sub, you are risking less, you are in control and it is easier to deal with being unable to please your submissive than having your submissive say no to, or (internally) judge you for a genuine desire that you express. The dom never really

Owning that vulnerability, speaking it, that is true power.

The sub's willingness to serve is a precious gift if the dom dares to receive it.

The shift from serving to being served, requires the dom to trust, to know, that the sub actually wants to be there, wants to serve.

And not every sub actually wants to serve. 

Going fully into service, putting one’s own preferences and desires to the side, is something else entirely. Something that isn’t as readily accessible. Who would even want that?!

The wheel of consent and sub-dom dynamics:

Betty Martins wheel of consent, is a great lens to look at what is happening here. The wheel allows to map sub-dom dynamics in terms of who is acting and who is receiving and who the performed action is for:

The wheel maps out 2 dynamics:

The "Serve <---> accept" dynamic:

One person does something to the other person, for that person's pleasure.

the "take <---> allow" dynamic:

one person does something for their own pleasure.

Both sub and dom can take be on either side of the dynamic:

1. A dom that serves (doing something for the sub's pleasure)

2. A dom that takes (doing something to the sub, for their own pleasure)
   

3. A sub that serves (doing something for their dom's pleasure)

4. A sub that takes (doing something to the dom, for their own pleasure)

For the sake of this post we will only focus on the serve-accept dynamic (nr 1 and nr 3)

So...

a dom turns into a service provider when they have no access to the other dynamics

Doms are often times locked in at number 1. Even when they let the sub serve them, they are still holding onto the idea that they need to perform to keep their sub interested.

What is missing here is an shared understanding of who is getting what out of this!

If the sub wants to be of service, and derives pleasure from the act of being of service, of devoting themselves to their dom, receiving that is a gift to both.

I  personally find that reaching that deeper level is pretty difficult. It is not something that people practice a whole lot and it isn't something that anyone really teaches either. Mainstream culture is full of examples of service doms, or even worse the dom is presetned as someone forcing their will upon the other, where consent is never explicitly mentioned. No one wants to take the role of the perpetrator either of course.

I've been there many times myself, actually, I am there many times myself. I am often times stuck in the place of serving as well. I have access to "take allow" (nr2) but, letting myself be served is hard! What makes it hard:

1. I don't fully trust that the other person actually wants to serve

2. I don't know what it is I actually want

3. I don't want to take responsibility for what I want

4. I don't think I'm worth it (deep down)

5. I have built an identity and pride around being the one doing and giving/serving

6. "But I get so much enjoyment from doing things to them! So I'm already receiving!"

"I am stuck in this role!

What can I do?"

I think one central aspect is to make it explicit that this is what we are exploring in our play. This gives you a frame of reference when you play, the roles are clear and we know that we have a shared agreement and understanding about what we're doing and playing with. There are many ways in which this can be approached:

1. checking in with the other person and asking if they would enjoy serving

2. Spending time exploring what it is one would actually like/ask for

3. practicing taking responsibility for one's own pleasure (and allowing the vulnerability that comes with it)

4. Working on one's self-worth, allowing oneself to have these kinds of experiences to un-learn that (old) story

5. Expanding one's sense of idenity as a dom, letting go of limiting frames of what a dom should or does look like

6. Recognizing that while that might be true, it is not the whole story...

What's on the other side:

On the other side there is an opportunity to experience something you maybe have never experienced before: allowing yourself to be served, trusting that the other person wants to be there, wants to serve you, without you having to perform. Understanding that your power does not come from you being in control all the time, doing all the time, but sits deeper than that. When it clicks, when the pieces fall into place, that's where true magic can unfold. That's where it feels like time stops and the moment becomes almost unbearably intense, drawn out and magical. I really enjoyed putting my thoughts around this on paper and hope to have contributed something useful to the Kink community! Reach out if you have thoughts or comments or concerns! Love, Pyt!